A Pre-Valentine's Message

Hello loves!

After what felt like a forever of January, February is finally here! The shortest month always carries with it the hopes of winter ending and a holiday known for roses, chocolates, and chalky-tasting hearts with cheesy messages on it.

I have mixed feelings about Valentine's Day. As a kid, I enjoyed making and exchanging silly cards with friends and the abundance of candy that felt rivaled only by Halloween. Throughout college, I ignored the holiday and its constant bombardment of romantic love being better than anything else. And now? I think I can confidently say I have a love-hate relationship with the holiday.

(And don't worry, this isn't about to be a rant about the over-commercialization of holidays or the emphasis of looking good on social media being more important than the people we're supposed to be celebrating.)

My thoughts about Valentine's Day actually don't have to do with the holiday itself. Considering we have holidays about doughnuts, Star Wars, talking like pirates, and even polar bears--- which is this month, by the way--- a holiday meant to celebrate love isn't that weird. I actually quite like the fact we give love its own day, because it really is the most important thing in the world.

What I start to have some issues with, and why I am still not over the moon about Valentine's Day, is the mindset that romantic love is superior to all other forms.

No, this isn't coming from a place of bitter singleness (though I am single, but I honestly enjoy it) or from an anti-love stance. I'm writing this because when I look around, it feels like everything pushes this emphasis on finding a significant other, romantic life partner, spouse, whatever you want to call it, and that only then can you "live happily ever after." That finding your "one true love" matters more than anything else in the whole wide world, and your eras of singleness are just a waiting room period before you get married and can really start living.

And I think that's a very damaging mindset to have.

For one thing, this idea that being single is supposed to be a temporary, "wait until your number is called" phase casts some negativity on people who aren't in relationships. It makes it seem like you're either not trying hard enough or you're trying too hard and coming off as desperate. Despite the fact that finding a good partner is 99% due to luck and chance, most "how to find a significant other" advice listicles or podcasts cast blame solely on the single person.

Which is another issue I have. That singleness is a fate you should be trying to escape at all costs.

Whenever I or my other single friends have mentioned that we aren't seeing anyone, the first response is almost always "Oh you'll find the right person! Don't stop looking/it just takes time/other platitudes that express how much I pity you and your lonely soul." I'm (mostly) exaggerating, but I think every person who's ever been single at a family reunion or multi-generational party knows what I'm talking about. And while it's easy to roll your eyes at the comments, it still plays into a narrative of thinking that being single is a weird moral failing.

There's nothing wrong with being single. There's nothing wrong with being happy in a relationship. There is something very wrong with placing all your worth on being in a relationship or not, just like there is something incredibly wrong with jumping on the first available person you see, regardless of if you're a good match or not.

I've watched too many friends put up with bad partners or be miserable as a couple all because of a fear of singleness. I've seen others ignore the good things in their life because they were too focused on not having a significant other. I myself have been guilty of both those things, at one point or another, just like most people.

And it makes me sad that so many people base everything around a status that is honestly outside of their control. I'm not going to get into all the violent incels who ruin lives over a girl's rejection or the mass extremes people take to make themselves physically more attractive (though attractiveness is super objective) or the alarming rate of people who have AI "partners." But I think we all know at least one person who's used their current or lack of romantic relationship as a way to define their self-confidence, their value, their depression or joy, and their overall quality of life.

I have a lot of beef with Hallmark movies. Not all of them, just the ones that follow this specific formula:

Main Character lives in Generic City where they have Generic Corporate Job they really enjoy and are really good at. In Generic City, they are either single with Cool Living-their-best-lives Friends or are in a relationship with Partner Who is Usually Not a Bad Person But is Made to Seem That Way for Some Reason. Then Main Character is sent to Small Town (either for work or family reasons) and inexplicably end up in a situation where they have to save the heart of the town (think bakery, fall festival, christmas tree farm.) Along the way they meet Love Interest, who almost always perceives the Main Character through a one-dimensional lens and teaches the Main Character what "love really means." Main Character then abandons the life they spent years building, ditches their friends and previous partner who all had the audacity to ask if moving to a pumpkin patch with a flannel-wearing stranger was a wise move, and the movie ends with happiness akin to a fever dream.

I know I'm being harsh but omg I can't help it. Every time a movie or book shows the "best ending" as someone ditching all their friends, their career, and their entire sense of identity all for the name of "love," I just lose my mind.

Real love doesn't require someone to do all those things. Real love involves sacrifice, yes, but from both parties in what is called a compromise. If Flannel Lumberjack actually loved Business Girl, these movies would have very different endings; ones that don't involve someone giving up everything to prove how devoted they are.

I'm all about changing your dreams or turning your life in a new direction, but only when it's because someone genuinely wants to. Not because their partner gives an ultimatum.

And that's what my issue with Valentine's Day and our modern understanding of love all boils down to:

Romantic love is not the only type of love.

Familial love. Platonic love. The love people have for God or their preferred religion. The love and passion for a career or hobby or nature. All these types of love are just as, if not more so, important as romantic love.

Humans are designed for relationships of all types.

It's not a surprise that co-dependent couples who ditch all their friends for only each other become unhappy. It's not a surprise that parents who give more attention to their careers over their kids find themselves on the 'do not call' list. And it's not a surprise that those who focus only on the rules of religion rather than the loving others around you aspect, find people not wanting to join their faith.

We need a healthy balance between all types of relationships. Yes, obviously some will be more important than others. I'm not saying you have to treat all your coworkers like your lifelong bestie. But don't ignore other forms of relationships in lieu of another.

There's been a shift towards valuing independence in the last few years. And while I do appreciate the intentionality of showing romantic love isn't required to live a full life, I've seen how these shifts can overcorrect.

Being content in singleness doesn't require you to become hyper-indepent. Hyper-independence tricks people into thinking they can and should do everything on their own, that only their comfort matters. That can lead to a devaluing of relationships of all types, and is part of why we're facing such a serious loneliness epidemic.

Whether you're single or not, the only way to truly be happy is to appreciate all those around you. A community of family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, etc is what will allow you to feel supported and the furthest thing from alone, no matter what your relationship status is.

I said earlier that I think love is the most important thing of all. Love built the world and is what keeps it going. Love is the only thing stronger than fear or hate or anxiety.

Now, more than ever, we need love of every kind.

So this Valentine's Day, show someone you care about them, romantic partner or not, just be sure to do it with love.

Love y'all <3

"Keep on loving each other as brothers and sisters. Don't forget to show hospitality to strangers, for some who have done this have entertained angels without realizing it!" --Hebrews 13:1-2